It’s almost been six months. I don’t know what to feel.
It was all so sudden. The way it started, the way it happened, the way it ended. It feels like a dream now. A dream, too good to be true. You were too good to be true. I never knew and will never know what love feels like. But I wanted to be around you all the High-school, sitting together, hiding our clasped hands from the teachers, peeping at each other when we’re apart and talking to our friends. Good times. Whenever I think about high school, I think about you. It still hurts me. It shouldn’t, but it does. This is so stupid. It makes me want to rip out my face. I’m so confused.
The first day of junior high. You just walked in. You were so pretty. I was such an idiot in front of you. I still talk about you with the friend who introduced us. The first time your eyes fell on me, I was so embarrassed. I was such an idiot (am I saying this too much?)
I still remember the first day you came to school wearing kohl (or maybe you had worn it the last day, I don’t remember, I was distracted). It felt nice when our eyes crossed each other. I was so happy. I miss those days.

The day I got your phone number, I was so nervous what to write. Maybe I wrote something very stupid. I didn’t care. I was the kind of guy I would bully right now. But I miss being around someone I feel happy with. I did all the stupid things a guy can possibly do, but God knows why nothing felt stupid.

Months passed, I started to feel sad because I had grown very fond of you. I guess, because I didn’t want anything in return. I didn’t want to tell you about my feelings. I was such an idiot. I started noticing you looking at me. For the first time in my school life, that happened (I don’t care if anyone else did that, I only want to remember you) I still remember going back home and staring at your picture for fifteen minutes that day.

Things happened so fast. You told me you liked me. I had to say I liked you (that too, mid-term… what were we thinking?) We weren’t in love but we said it (India) And that was it. Our “day” was never a day. It was a week and laughed about it every year.

Do you still remember the day I had a fight with one of my friends over you? Gosh, it was all so stupid. But even when I think of it today, I’m smiling. He came over to my place today. You still talk to him. He said you’re still the same. We don’t talk but I hope you really are. I was so naïve. I still have so many pictures of you on my phone. It’s almost been half a year since I’ve seen you, but I see you every now & then. I don’t think about you all the time like I used to. Is this what it is to fall out of love? It’s horrible. That one person you allow into your life… is gone and now you have to get used to it? It’s so cruel. But I guess it was necessary. “It takes the strongest wills to make the hardest decisions”

Mid- November. A Thursday afternoon amidst covid (I don’t remember the date because, man did it hurt) I think you weren’t in town. Senior high was over. We were on a phone call. That was my last phone call with you. If you think about it, it ended just like that. It just ended.

That day, you were still so pretty. And I was still such an idiot to have said all that. I still don’t know the reason. But I guess there were many. I don’t care. If you’re thinking today that I want you back as my girl, you’re wrong. I don’t want us to be back together. Maybe. I don’t know. But even you, reading this, can’t deny the fact that we were good. We were very good. And all good things must come to an end. We ended, and you left my life. You still look as pretty as the day I last saw you. You left, and took a part of me with you. I am happy now. I don’t know how you are. I don’t know if I loved you enough. I don’t know if I loved you at all. Who knows what love feels like! I think I think too much. But it was good to have you as a part of my life. Whenever I think about those school hallways, I think about you. Whenever I think about those benches, I think about you. Whenever I think about the school buses, I think about you. And whenever I think about it, I smile. It was nice. I was such an idiot. You taught me how to love someone. How to drown in someone. I had never felt quite like that. I can’t now. It’s just too much. But I hope you’ve found someone. Don’t waste your ability to love. It’s the thing I loved about you the most. I don’t know if you remember but I saw you a few days back. I was so shocked. It felt like I was seeing you through broken glass. You’re still so pretty. And I’m still such an idiot. We don’t talk but I hope you’re doing okay. But I hope you were hurt that day. I hope you didn’t feel right, even for a few days… I hope you realized I loved you. I hope you were, even if for a second, sad. I hope you never find someone like me, but someone who can love you the way you want. I’m a bit selfish, but I hope you remember me. Alcohol & band-aids. It’s all a temporary fix. I don’t love you anymore. But I still love who you are. I thank you. For all the memories. All the lessons. I hope I change a bit, the next time we meet.

Until next time, RB.